Tag: letter

Categories
Emotion Empathy Reflection

Notes from the Road: A Letter to my Future Self

Think back to the very first time you ever drove a car alone. You were probably sixteen, freshly-printed license in hand, putting a foot on the gas pedal for the first time with an empty passenger seat. No parent telling you to check your mirrors, no driving instructor reminding you to keep your hands at ten and two. That first drive was a rush of freedom and excitement, but also of fear.

You probably don’t think about that drive very often, and certainly not every time you get into a car. There are moments in life that seem so incredibly momentous you think you’ll never forget them. But, as time goes by and distance clouds the memory, you have trouble remembering exactly how you felt. You can remember the sequence of events, the people involved, the way you described your feelings at the time, but it becomes more and more difficult to recreate the unique combination of emotions that flooded and overwhelmed you at that precise moment in time. That moment you swore you would never forget….

Ultimately, we never know what lays on the road ahead, what might become routine in a medical career, or what combination of emergencies we might become desensitized to. So I’m writing this down to put into words something that I struggle to articulate, but something I think is worth remembering vividly.

This is my way of putting down a mile marker, of recording my experience, and all that comes with it – I hope you find a way, too, so that at the end of the drive you can see how far you came.

 

Dear Future Self,

Today you saw a patient die.

Today was the fourth day of your first clinical rotation in the hospital and today you saw a patient die.

You saw a patient die, briefly. It was just long enough for you to think she was really going to die, permanently, and then she was resuscitated back to life.

This woman was responsive, albeit uncomfortable, just a few hours beforehand. And now here she was in an operating theater undergoing an emergency C-section for a ruptured uterus. She lost her pulse.

Chest compressions. Pushing epi. Giving her blood.

But she came back- she didn’t die permanently.

As her blood pressure plummeted and the anesthesia team noted weaker and weaker pulses, there were a million things running through your head. When they lost her, though, all those voices in your head went silent. You became numb, as time seemed to slow. These are the things you will forget, and these are the things you should remember.

You were so scared.

Everyone in the room seemed confident, following protocols and executing each step in a methodical and calm way. You felt terrified. You couldn’t believe what you thought you were about to witness. While you tried to stay outwardly calm, you were inwardly panicking. You felt the blood rush from your head to the pit of your stomach. You felt nauseous, flushed. But you mostly felt immensely sad and scared for her and her family. She had come into the hospital with nobody, and you couldn’t bear the thought of her leaving with nobody. You couldn’t handle the thought of her dying alone, in her 30s, in an emergency procedure her family could have never predicted.

You felt so powerless.

There was nothing you could do. You realized there was also a limit to what anyone could do in that moment. Even the attendings, even the best doctors, faced the reality of this woman dying. Remember how you thought to pray in that moment, how even though you aren’t religious, you prayed. You wondered if the doctors were silently praying too, even as they called the code and ran through their crash protocols. Were they whispering to some greater power to help them save this patient? Did they also, in this moment, feel powerless?

You were so impressed by the team.

You become accustomed to seeing well executed medical care. Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate because you are in such awe of what you are witnessing that you almost can’t believe it. You forgot, until this moment, how much of a privilege it is to watch and work alongside people who are uniquely trained to be the absolute best at their jobs. You watched as the OB and the anesthesiologist communicated clearly and coordinated care. As the patient continued to bleed, both teams prepared for an emergency C-hysterectomy. The scrub techs and nurses moved swiftly, efficiently, anticipating directions and keeping meticulous record of everything happening in real time. The entire OR buzzed with an energy that was never frantic, even at the direst point, yet still never completely free of tension, even with the closing stitch. This team thrived on that energy.

And then it was over, the patient made it through.

You came back the next day, your fifth day in the hospital, and nothing had changed. Nothing but you, because you felt different. For a few days, those moments of panic and powerlessness replayed on an endless loop in your mind. Those moments of shock and fear and overwhelming emotion.  And you should remember this day, those terrifying moments, because those are the moments that come to define us.

Sincerely,

-Your Past Self

 

Featured image:
road by Victor Camilo

Categories
Clinical Emotion Lifestyle Narrative

A letter from a patient with anorexia nervosa

Dear Doctor,

What I need from you is validation that what I am experiencing is real; recognize this is more than just a burden for me.

At first it was a rush. The best feeling I’d ever had. I was getting compliments, attention, and my jeans felt wonderfully loose.  But it didn’t take long until it became everything; an obsession.  My eating disorder (ED) has become all I think about.  Every second of every day is consumed with what I eat, what I avoid, how I can avoid it, when I will exercise and for how long. I can’t escape.  Even if I actually wanted to gain weight back, it’s not that easy.

I know you might understand, but at least acknowledge that it’s not about the food. The truth is, when you say it’s about the food, it’s more tangible, easier to categorize, like a patient with a broken wrist.  People think that if I “just eat a sandwich” I will be fine, but this is far from accurate.

Sometimes ED hints at me, other times it screams. Either way, ED is a part of my life; it is a part of who I am right now. I have a deep connection to this diagnosis. Because of this, I will defend and validate ED, and conjure any excuse to hold on to this relationship just a little longer. For patients like me, ED becomes another member of the family, the third wheel in a relationship, or even another personality who needs attention.

I still struggle often, but I have good days too.  I am not just another girl with anorexia.  I’m a young woman who never takes life too seriously, loves road trips and playing the piano, and who fights back against anorexia every single day.  I know it’s your mission, but you cannot fix me. Only I can do that and I am going to need your support.

So right now, take a seat on my rollercoaster, listen to me, and let’s get to the end of this ride.

Sincerely,

Your ED patient

 

* Inspired by a loved one

Featured image:
Anorexia. by Mary Lock

 

Categories
Opinion Reflection

Dear Doctor

Dear Doctor,

I hear you when you speak of that girl in the hospital ward. The ‘overdose in bed three.’ I hear the harsh judgements sneering through your lips, the sighs and the mutterings of ‘what a waste of life.’ As a student, I am all too privy to such remarks made in the corners of these hospitals. I have fallen upon them again and again.

Please do not be so quick to stereotype. Do you know how it feels to have your mind infiltrated by such intense emotions of self-hatred and loathing? Do you know how lonely it can be to lie curled within the four walls of your bedroom, just you and your mind waged in an eternal battle?

Yes, I realise how cliché that sounds. I know you have just come back from speaking to a young gentleman who has been paralysed. I know you have spent your years dealing with the terminally ill, holding the hands of the dying as you speak to a family overwhelmed with grief.

How can a teenage girl compare? Yes, she may appear to have everything. But aren’t humans’ more than just molecules and proteins? Don’t we all have dreams and desires of our own? What is it that makes us human? Our relationships, our goals, our ability to connect with one another. How would you feel to have these vital components torn away from you? No, it is not the equivalent of the man next door whose wife has just died. But that does not mean that she does not deserve your attention and your respect. You may have lived through the battles of the emergency department, the grievances of the families, the diagnosis’s of tumours to children barely in their teens. But she has not.

Look at her, sitting on the bed, her head bent over her lightly covered shoulders. Look at her, fingers fidgeting with the bed sheets, unsure what to touch or who to speak to. She is scared. She is in a new place. There are bright lights glaring down upon her, strangers rushing past her, eerie machines beeping at her. And inside her mind, the battle is continuing to rage. Look at the scars glistening upon her skin as she cowers in a blanket, trying to hide her wounds from the world. Aren’t those battle scars as well?

Imagine how it feels to have a mass of doctors suddenly gathering around your bed, all looking upon you with pity. Do you realise how exposed it can feel to be probed with such personal questions? The intricacies of your mind held open for a stranger to dissect.

‘Do you have any plans to end your life?
What methods have you thought about?’

She needs a friend. She needs someone to take her hand and ask her how she is feeling. Forget the Fluoxetine, the charts filled with drug doses. It is not a prescription pad that she needs. She needs a human touch.

I know she cannot hear you as you make your curt remarks. I know you will walk towards her filled with smiles and concerning eyes. I have seen that gentle handshake that you have mastered over the years, the slight pitch in your voice as you gently prod your questions. There is no doubt that you have a bedside manner. And within one minute you are gone, the prescription chart left upon her bed for the nurse to dispatch the drugs. The girl still sits there, her posture unchanged, unsure if the conversation had taken place.

I know you are busy. I know you have a team of doctors to command, a list of patients to see, a hospital to run. Yes, I know you have sat through hours of exams, studied well into countless nights to get to where you are standing now. I have respect for the devotion you have put into your career.

But please do not forget that young girl. Please remember to hold your tongue the next time you see a teenage overdose. Yes, to you it is another statistic to keep record of, another prescription to fill out. But to that teen lying in the corner, throwing up the contents of her stomach? She wanted to die just two hours ago. Do you know how that feels? To feel hopelessness so deep, that the future is but one long tunnel, filled with uncertainties and fear. Do you know how it feels to hold a bottle of pills in your hand, staring longingly at the container, at the hope it contains inside?

Yes, she will be fine. She will be discharged within a few hours, another free bed to fill. But please, the next time you come across such despair in someone’s eyes, do just one thing; sit down on the bed beside them, and ask them how they are. Look into their eyes as they speak, and let your whole being be encapsulated by their story. Let them open up to you, with patience and empathy. If someone had done this to them before, do you think they would be in this position now?

Please, the next time you blurt out another cutting remark, a sneer at the cries for attention. Look across the room at your patient sitting there. Look at their posture, their body language, their eyes. Does this look like the sort of person who needs your judgement? Or does this look like someone who needs a listening ear?

 

Featured image:
Writing with Ink by urbanworkbench